“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit