Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.