The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Stonehinge
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw