*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️