[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?