[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women