friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
TODAY
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.