oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
don’t be scared
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*