Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
You Might Also Like
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him