dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
yeah no that’s fair
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.