CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?