God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
welp
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?