bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.