My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Sorry not sorry.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter