What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything