Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.