me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Just say no
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
step 6: release the wall snake
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief