“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.