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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Don’t snitch tag.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.