It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
happy mother’s day❤️
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.