Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.