I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?