In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.