My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
spicy snake
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.