I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text