ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.