Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *