The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
For those that worship cheese..
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Butt weight. There’s more!
Room with a view.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water