We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor