When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?