There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.