If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one