I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Meme Monday.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.