Happy thanksgiving
You Might Also Like
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move