I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
getting old is fun
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.