[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich