Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
You Might Also Like
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.