People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Previously On Persistence 😎
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’