Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.