2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Great acting.. 😂
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.