Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.