Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia