Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Important reminders
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.