ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
when u come home smelling like another dog
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*