Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
i choose….tongue
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Thursday Thought.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”