[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Weirdos gonna weird.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.