My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
You Might Also Like
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
wow
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
58.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.