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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”