Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I don鈥檛 understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger鈥榮 undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it鈥檚 great
date: so good
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
HR: I鈥檓 afraid that鈥檚 not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
There鈥檚 no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave 鈥榚m like we have a great deal of concern.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
Im an adult and still don鈥檛 play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I鈥檓 perfectly approachable as long as you鈥檙e carrying a plate of nachos.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i鈥檓 consistent
boss: but you鈥檙e late every morning
me: ya
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone鈥檚 mouth.
Never share breakfast with a duck鈥硷笍