Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.